You may not know this, but last October ... I came very close to ending my own life! As my last post wrote, my family's hope and dreams came crashing down and the weight of this downfall caused me to fall into a rather nasty depression.
It was a horrifying time in my life! I do not wish it upon my worst enemy!
To be laying in bed, tears streaming from my eyes, visions of plummeting head first, off the front balcony, crashing down to the concrete steps below ... this is all I could think of at the time!
If it weren't for my children and a very understanding husband ... I would not be here!
It took a long while before I could get over the butt-fuck I got! How can anyone be so cruel, so mean, as to lead on a young struggling family to believe that their hardship would soon come to an end and then drop everything without a single notice?!!
I went to seek professional/medical help, to see if perhaps I could speed up my recovery. Once in the doctor's office, I explained to the doctor how I was feeling and what thoughts were going through my mind ... before I knew it, I had a prescription for some anti-depressant drug sitting before me! Most would have grabbed it and said: "Thank you so much Doc!" but not I ...
You see, this doctor never once touched me! She never took my vitals! She didn't even take the time to see if I had a fever or if I was breathing properly!
As I sat there, with this prescription before me, I truly felt as if I was visiting a drug dealer in a professional setting!
When my appointment was over, I left the doctor's office and I threw that piece of white paper in the garbage by the reception desk!
No doctor in this world will profit from my condition!
As I walked out of the building, I had a real long hard talk with myself and I gave myself a goal and that goal was to get better ... one day at a time.
It started off with a shower ... Lord knows I have not felt water upon my skin in weeks! I then proceeded with brushing my teeth ... how could I have let go so terribly?!!!
Getting dressed was the hard part, as without a destination or reason to leave the house, I still felt it was a bloody waste of effort!
My poor children! My poor husband! For weeks my husband has had to come home from work and deal with the children, cook dinner or order out, change diapers, give baths, dress the kids, etc ...
When I finally snapped out of it and realized the harm I was causing my family, all I could do was apologize to everyone for my unhealthy state of mind.
I am happy to say that I have since gotten better and it shows! For those of you who know me, you will notice a change in me, for I am more relaxed and do not sweat the small stuff anymore.
Just to give you an example, we have recently moved out of our tight upper duplex and into a 4 bedroom home, 1 hour away from Montreal. We have room to breathe and finally ... the kids have their own backyard to run and play in!
With every move, there are always unexpected expenses which appear. Need I not remind you, we are but a one income family and I must admit ... paying $200.00 more rent than what we did before is starting to show in our overall budget! Things are terribly tight, but the bottom line is ... we are no longer suffering in tight quarters!
I have slowly started to make jewellery again! I suppose necessity is the main cause, but I no longer stress about it! I wish I could say we were out of the woods financially, but I would honestly be lying! It will take a good couple of months before we can readjust everything. New utilities, gas for the long drive to work - for my husband (1h40m each way), lack of competitive pricing in stores ... no real deals on anything!
Overall, if we set finances aside, we are truly blessed!
Going back to that time in October ... if you had told me then what I know now, I would never have believed it!
Time! It truly heals everything and it can honestly save a life!
It was a horrifying time in my life! I do not wish it upon my worst enemy!
To be laying in bed, tears streaming from my eyes, visions of plummeting head first, off the front balcony, crashing down to the concrete steps below ... this is all I could think of at the time!
If it weren't for my children and a very understanding husband ... I would not be here!
It took a long while before I could get over the butt-fuck I got! How can anyone be so cruel, so mean, as to lead on a young struggling family to believe that their hardship would soon come to an end and then drop everything without a single notice?!!
I went to seek professional/medical help, to see if perhaps I could speed up my recovery. Once in the doctor's office, I explained to the doctor how I was feeling and what thoughts were going through my mind ... before I knew it, I had a prescription for some anti-depressant drug sitting before me! Most would have grabbed it and said: "Thank you so much Doc!" but not I ...
You see, this doctor never once touched me! She never took my vitals! She didn't even take the time to see if I had a fever or if I was breathing properly!
As I sat there, with this prescription before me, I truly felt as if I was visiting a drug dealer in a professional setting!
When my appointment was over, I left the doctor's office and I threw that piece of white paper in the garbage by the reception desk!
No doctor in this world will profit from my condition!
As I walked out of the building, I had a real long hard talk with myself and I gave myself a goal and that goal was to get better ... one day at a time.
It started off with a shower ... Lord knows I have not felt water upon my skin in weeks! I then proceeded with brushing my teeth ... how could I have let go so terribly?!!!
Getting dressed was the hard part, as without a destination or reason to leave the house, I still felt it was a bloody waste of effort!
My poor children! My poor husband! For weeks my husband has had to come home from work and deal with the children, cook dinner or order out, change diapers, give baths, dress the kids, etc ...
When I finally snapped out of it and realized the harm I was causing my family, all I could do was apologize to everyone for my unhealthy state of mind.
I am happy to say that I have since gotten better and it shows! For those of you who know me, you will notice a change in me, for I am more relaxed and do not sweat the small stuff anymore.
Just to give you an example, we have recently moved out of our tight upper duplex and into a 4 bedroom home, 1 hour away from Montreal. We have room to breathe and finally ... the kids have their own backyard to run and play in!
With every move, there are always unexpected expenses which appear. Need I not remind you, we are but a one income family and I must admit ... paying $200.00 more rent than what we did before is starting to show in our overall budget! Things are terribly tight, but the bottom line is ... we are no longer suffering in tight quarters!
I have slowly started to make jewellery again! I suppose necessity is the main cause, but I no longer stress about it! I wish I could say we were out of the woods financially, but I would honestly be lying! It will take a good couple of months before we can readjust everything. New utilities, gas for the long drive to work - for my husband (1h40m each way), lack of competitive pricing in stores ... no real deals on anything!
Overall, if we set finances aside, we are truly blessed!
Going back to that time in October ... if you had told me then what I know now, I would never have believed it!
Time! It truly heals everything and it can honestly save a life!
