There's no place like home

The drifter, so they called me, as I could not settle.

I have made home of many places throughout my life, but never have my roots grown deep enough to keep me in, down and in place.

I have lived everywhere. I have lived in places many would consider to be hell of earth.

I was there, many times before! I still carry its map and know never to cross its borders again!

No matter where I go, no matter how long I am away, nothing and I mean nothing could ever keep me away from where I truly belong - Home!

In just a matter of a few weeks, my life will start anew, back to the soil I once walked as a child.

To be able to walk the streets blindfolded and to know exactly where I am - this could only come with a great sense of comfort and knowledge that I know where I belong!

No matter how far I have drifted, my roots never once left home's soil.

Here's hoping that the winds will die down for once in my life and that I never feel the urge to fly away again!

As Dorothy once said it best: "There's no place like home!"

My ruby slippers have clicked their heals...

Home, here I come!

Tired Am I

I tossed and turned.

I tossed and turned so much last night, that I could no more!

Too many thoughts ran through my head.

Too many images needed to be processed, filtered and filed!

I am so tired, not only physically, but emotionally!

I am at a point where I honestly question...

How peaceful would a coma be?

To be fed and not have to cook.

To pee under myself and not have to move once.

To have my hair brushed, body cleaned, nails cut...

Seems like quite the spa treatment if you ask me!

When will I sleep soundly again?

When will my eyes close at night and not reopen until there is light?

I am tired.

I need my sleep.

When will my nightmare end?

The irony is...

I AM AWAKE!

T-N-T

Imagine being forced to light a stick of dynamite, knowing fully that the wick's length isn't long enough for you to run clear from its damaging effects!
As if that weren't enough, imagine the stick going off by remote detonator, proudly held by the hands of a vile creature, should you dare decide not to light it!
No matter which way you look at it, your goose is cooked!
What thoughts could possibly be running through your head?
Your life hangs in the balance and the one person who can save you, has wanted you dead before you were even born!
Do you then start believing in miracles? Is there really a higher power out there?
If God could walk on water and split the red sea...could he not spare a single lightning bolt?
If I were to die at that moment, I would rather it be by God's will and not by the hands of the one person who has cursed the day I took my first breath!
I am not a religious person, but in this situation, I am more than ready to repent for all my sins!

Life's Endless Journey

For as long as I can remember, I have always been drifting, like a single leaf in the wind on a cool Autumn day.

When will I finally settle? When will I lay my hat down and never again pick it up?

It seems that every time I think everything in my life is perfect, something or someone always has to come along and ruin things for me.

Makes me wonder why I even try to make a life for myself, when I know deep down it will soon be dismantled, destroyed beyond recognition!

A new path lays before me, once again!

What does this road ahead of me hold? This I do not know. One thing I do know is that no matter what may come my way, I will make the best of it, no matter how hard or ugly things may get.

My life is an endless journey...

It will end, when I can finally smell the flowers from the roots up!

Cry for help

Imagine yourself laying there,

wounded, disfigured beyond recognition.
As you continuously get bombarded,

fired at and assaulted from all sides.
To say you are hurt would be such comfort,

as the pain you feel has well surpassed any normal level of tolerance.
You lay there bleeding.

Your once blue jacket has now changed to a rainbow of deep reds and even darker purples.
You are growing weaker as time passes you by.
How much more can you take?

How much longer will you fight for a life,

which has brought you nothing more than pain and suffering?
Your only saving grace at this time,

is the micro sliver of hope you still carry deep within your soul.
You find yourself asking, over and over:
"Why me? Why is this happening to me? What have I done?

What have I done so wrong

to deserve all of which is happening to me?"
As you lay your head back onto the ground, eyes open to the sky,

you gather whatever energy you have left and let out a final scream...
Only one question remains...
Did anyone hear you?

It's a beautiful day

It's a beautiful day
The sun is shining
I feel good
And no-one's gonna stop me now

It's a beautiful day
I fell good, I fell right
And no-one, no-one's gonna stop me now

Sometimes I fell so sad, so sad, so bad
But no-one's gonna stop me now, no-one
It's hopeless - so hopeless to even try...

Winds of change

She stood there looking towards the full moon.
A cool breeze caressed her delicate face.
The warm breath she exhaled seemed to dance away into the distance.
It's terribly cold outside, but she doesn't care.
Not a sound could be heard for miles.
Peace and quiet.
She sighed.
Winds of change are upon her.
A new sense of freedom is drawing near.
It will all be over soon.
No more tears, will she shed.
No more sleepless nights, will she toss.
No more hurt, will she know.
She will soon be free.
A new life awaits her.
A new found happiness is hers to behold.
Only one thing will haunt her days as well as her nights...
When she says "Goodbye" to her dear old mother, she knows deep within her heart, it will be an "Adieu".

Sadness

I never knew what sadness was until you left my side.
Since your departure, I have found no reason to laugh.
Solitude is all that remains.
As the tears fall from my eyes, I can't help but wonder why you are not here to wipe them away!
I miss you...
Please return home where you belong!

A father's anguish

Imagine knowing that somewhere out there, in this big vast world, there is a child who bares your name, yet you cannot hold her, touch her, nor comfort her when she is sad.

Imagine continually wondering if she remembers you? Does she know that you are out there thinking of her?

Imagine knowing deep down that her mother, your ex, never speaks of you to her. Your name only appears in conversations, as you are referred to as "the deadbeat dad" who's only worth is the money that comes in every month!

Imagine the anger you can possibly feel, continuously wondering where your money is going, knowing all along that your ex suffers a serious drug problem! Does your child see a dime of your money? No doubt she does, as she breathes in the second hand smoke of a finely rolled joint!

Imagine having tried to find her, your daughter, to get her back. You spend endless amounts of money trying to prove a case, to no avail. Family law lawyers are out to ruin fathers financially, as they know deep down that no matter how bad a mother can possibly be, the laws are on her side!

Imagine having everyone look down upon you, telling you that if they were in your shoes they would never stop fighting!!! How narrow minded and ignorant these people are. They do not know of what they speak, as the only way to truly understand what it means, you have to endure it for yourself!

Imagine having to make a painful choice, to either continue fighting and fall into great financial ruin, or to let go and simply accept things as they are and to ensure that your money (although spent on drugs) is there every month on your bank account!

No one knows what their choice would be unless they live through it themselves! Every case is different and in every case...the mother, no matter how emotionally unstable she is, always wins!!!

All fun aside...time to face reality!

It is rather hard to get into the "Holiday Spirit", especially when a huge wave is heading our way and will, without a doubt, capsize our boat!

We recently got news that my husband will be laid off! Being the sole bread winner in our family, I do not think I need to tell anyone what lays ahead for all of us!

We will no doubt lose our home and have to relocate, leaving behind our neighbours whom we have just begun to appreciate!

With all of this coming our way, I thank my luckiest of stars that I still have two strong arms and will be able to embrace my family when all hell hits!

We will be strong...we have no other option!

Failure is not an option...

Growing up in a very strict old fashioned European home seemed to be Hell on earth. It is only now that I am older and a parent myself, that I realize the richness of my upbringing!

Growing up, it was forbidden for us to swear! We could not even say "Shut up" to our siblings without fear of getting the belt from our father! Now-a-days, you have children running up and down the streets yelling "F*ck you" to anyone who cares enough to listen and their parents watch on and smile at how expressive their children are! "Freedom of speach" they call it, taken a little too far I am disguted to say!

Growing up in this distant past, talks of war and depression and struggle where all around us. We grew up having to listen to hours upon hours of how the Germans invaded our country and ruined many families lives. Hunger, poverty, death! Our parents made sure to raise us knowing we had it good, sometimes even too good!

Now-a-days, children are being raised in this magical world of fantasy! Anything they want, they have with little to no effort involved! As parents pave the roads to their children's futures with gold and all of life's glory, what do they honestly think they are accomplishing?

Goes back to the old saying, which has long been forgotten...

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Show a man how to fish and he will eat forever!"

Parents these days are setting their children up for a great fall! Our world is composed of extreme dreamers with little to no spines! Without mommy or daddy by their side, I am so surprised they even know how to wipe their own asses!

Growing up, if you wanted something bad enough you had no choice but to work hard for it! What better way to teach your children the reality of life. Nothing in life that is worthwhile comes easy!

Our society, our world has fallen on its head! As family's fall apart, divorce rates grow higher, children get scattered left, right and center, family bonds are broken, drifting sometimes miles apart in some cases...makes you wonder where we are all headed, doesn't it?

We live in a disposable society. If it doesn't work, toss it! Something bigger and better is always expected! No one works hard at anything anymore. People complain and complain and complain on how bad they have it, yet they haven't done anything remotely productive in order to fix their situation.

Real problems are:

- not having a roof over head,

- not having food to eat,

- not having warm clothes to wear during cold winter days and nights,

- not having a vehicule to get to and from a job which you need in order to survive,

- not having access to proper medical help should you need it,

- not having money to buy your child a pint of milk or a single loaf of bread!

Those are real problems!!!

Growing up, we were raised to believe that failure was not an option...it was a choice! We were raised to be fighters and to keep fighting for what we need and believe is right!

I thank my lucky stars for the parents I grew up knowing, as today, with all obstacles placed before me, I choose to fight with whatever energy I have left, as failure will never be an option in my books!

Words she needed to hear

There she stood. Sonia's hand trembled as she reached for the handle and opened the front door.

The sweet smell of corn on the cob, boiling over on the stove top, filled the air in an instant.

As she walked in, she turned towards the hallway mirror and paused.

Before her eyes she saw the reflexion of a little girl, it was she, nothing more than a child.

Sonia reluctantly continued her way along the corridor and came to a stop at its end.

Her eyes immediately filled with tears. There she was, her mother, sitting at the kitchen table.

"What's wrong?" Her mother asked.

"Why are you crying?" Her mother wondered.

Trying so hard to fight away her tears, Sonia knelt down and placed her head upon her mother's lap.

"I love you mom!" She said, to the woman who gave her life.

"I love you too!" Was her mother's reply, words Sonia so desperately needed to hear.

As they embraced, she felt safe and knew everything was going to be alright.

There was a knock at the door and it swung open.

"Are you coming dear?" Asked Sonia's husband.

Glancing down the hall towards his wife, he could not understand what he saw.

"What in God's name are you doing on the floor?" He wondered.

As Sonia stood up and brushed herself off, she gazed around and sighed in despair.

"Let's go! The kids are getting restless in the car!" Her husband added.

It sadly dawned on her, that old house had been empty for years.

As she walk towards the front door, she took one final glance back...

She saw nothing but emptiness!

Her heart's dream

Will you marry me? He asked, as their eyes first met.

Would you be mine forever? He whispered, as he came closer.

Do you love me? He wondered, as she looked his way.

With a rush of sudden pain, her eyes reopened to the bright light of day. It was all a dream! Or was it?

Do you love me? Echoed in her heart.

Would you be mine forever? Haunted her days as well as her nights.

Will you marry me? A question she could not answer, for he is not real, never will he be.

Her heart only remembers him.

Her eyes could not capture him, nor could her hands ever touch him.

Will you marry me?

As she closes her eyes at night, she drifts away to that special place.

She finds herself returning to the comfort of his warm embrace.

Little did she know, he asked her once more...

Will you marry me?

Sadly she awoke. Tears fell from her eyes, as the rain would fall from a clouded sky.

His question haunted her right to the very soul of her heart, for she knew her answer...

It would have to be..."NO".

Dwindling Flame

Seventy-five years have passed since she took her first breath. So much has changed, many things have progressed all around her.

She recalls moments in her past and wonders, where would she be today had she not survived the many obstacles life placed before her.

Widow of two, mother of four, grand-mother of five and soon to be great-grand-mother of one. Surely her life and her legacy has not gone in vain.

So why does she feel so alone? Why is she so sad, so down on herself?

She is coming to realize that her candle will soon burnout, leaving room for another to continue this journey called life.

Deep within her heart she wishes she could live forever, but knows this would never happen.

It must be quite the daily torment to wonder when that faithful day will arrive. To imagine taking one final breath and to know it was your last.

There truly is but one justice in life, whether you are rich or poor, good or bad...

We must all die one day, never to return!

Thank you for my life!

It must have been love.

There is no other way to explain the pain a mother endures.

Long are the hours, tic toc, tic toc, as the clock keeps moving forward, her pain intensifies.

It won't be long now, a new life will soon be known to all.

A final push, followed by instant relief. Her long awaited daughter was born.

Seems like just yesterday, but 34 long years have since passed.

Thank you Mom for loving enough to give me life!

Christmas - A time for giving? To whom?

"Ding Ding, Ding Ding, Ding Ding" rings the bell, proudly held by the volunteer's hand.

As people pass him by, some stop and donate a few dollars for what they believe is a good cause.

It's not without reason a poor mother asks: "Where does all of that money go?" as she has yet to see a dime of it!

"Christmas is not about gifts!" another said to this mother of 3. Needless to say, this person has no children, therefor doesn't know the aching feeling that rushes through the poor mother's heart when she comes to realize that she cannot make belief that "Santa" still exists this Christmas!

Money! It's all about money! Some have more, some have less, but those who have less are more likely to give to others, as they know too well what it feels like not to have!

Tis the season for giving to those less fortunate! Before you place a single dollar into a bucket, ask yourself if anyone closer to you could use a helping hand.

We do not know where our donations go once they drop into a pot. Would you not want to know right away that you made a difference in one family's life?

People in need are all around us. You simply have to care enough to see them!

Running Scared

It's dark. She cannot see the ground below her feet, let alone the trail in front of her. She has been running for what seems like an eternity, as her poor aching feet pause for a rest. Trying desperately to regain her strength, she takes a deep breath and exhales.

Where is she? Where have her feet taken her?

As she kneels down to touch the ground, she hopes this would give her a clue as to where she has arrived. She discovers it is warm, wet and slimy. She immediately wipes her hand off the side of her pants. Still fighting to recover from a long painful run, she looks to the sky for some sort of sign, but closes her eyes in despair.

She is alone. She is scared. She wonders if she'll ever reach her destination.

As a car drives by, giving her the desperate light she needs to pin point her location, she falls to her knees and collapses to the ground she once stood above.

She realized she never once moved and stood in a puddle of her own human waste!

Hunger

It is cold, dark and damp beneath that rock she calls home. As she slithers out from underneath it, the scales of her long ridged body appear to glisten in the bright moonlight. She is very patient. She is smart. She knows exactly what she is doing. Her every move is carefully calculated.
She is hungry and knows too well how to appease her rumbling belly. She spots her pray.
Poor innocent creature, oblivious to the danger that approaches. It won't be long now, it will soon be over.
She is close. The smell of fear in the air intoxicates her.
As she slowly moves in for the kill, mouth watering, heart pounding, she comes to a complete stop.
Trying desperately to focus, she cannot believe what she sees.

A huge sign stood before her. It read:

-Dear Friend,
Please return to the cold, dark and damp depths from which you came. I know who you are and I am not afraid of you. Bite me and I will be sure to return the favor! Signed Your friend.

Feeling absolutely outwitted and ashamed, she returns to her home. As she lay there, she pondered about what had just happened. Her belly is empty. She is still hungry. She realized that hunger took over her common sense.
What was she thinking, back then, when she zeroed in on a fellow snake?

His pain was her own

Strange sounds could be heard traveling throughout the house. A final loud THUMP! Then nothing, but sheer silence.

This was very odd, to say the least. As she hurried upstairs to see what had happened, there, her heart came to a sudden halt.

Her father's bedroom door was open, enough to allow a single thin beam of light to shine through, onto the hallway carpet. Was it he who made this noise? she wondered.

As she quietly pushed the door to his bedroom open, holding her breath to not make her presence known, she peeped inside and screamed!

There he lay. The only person in her entire world who loved her. Her father lay there, unconscious, with a black garbage bag tied around his neck. A bottle of ether, empty, on the floor beside him.

As she struggled to remove the bag, shredding it to pieces, the man she loved more than life itself, came to.

"Daddy why? she cried out! "Why?" she exclaimed, once more.

With what energy he had left in him, with what little strength he had, he responded:

"I am tired of living my life in vain!"

Her eyes immediately filled with tears. She could feel and understand his pain. She knew too well of which he spoke. His pain was hers as well.

"If you leave me daddy, I will be alone..." she cried out to him.

"You are strong, you will overcome this" he said, with his now fading voice.

"I will always be by your side" he muttered, as he closed his eyes.

"I love you daddy, please don't leave me alone!!!" she expressed with great sadness.

Within seconds, he was gone.

His pain and suffering was finally over.

The Umbrella

She lay there. She could not move. As the pain travelled across her entire body, she could not believe what had just happened. Such anger. Such violence. "How could this crime have gone unpunished?" she thought, as her mother turned a deaf ear to her cries.

"How-ma-ny-times-must-I-tell-you-not-to-touch-my-stuff!" she recalled hearing, as the umbrella her sister clenched, in her icy cold hands, hit her with every angry syllable spoken.

She lay there bruised beyond recognition. All the pain in the world, could not compared to the sheer indifference she felt, as her mother's shoulders shrugged her cries for help. It was unbearable. She felt betrayed!

Home - a refuge away from harm to many. How could this not be so for her? What has she done to deserve such a fate, such treatment from her own family?

As she lay there, hurt to the very soul of her being, desperately trying to catch her breath, the answer to all of her questions was answered...

She was still breathing!

Mrs. Jackson

Hers was a dull shade of black. As the light of day hit the top of her head, her hair told a story of having known better days. Eyes so blue, so cold. If you looked long enough, you could actually see lonely glaciers floating in the distance. The wrinkles she bore seemed to all follow one line, tying her face to a prominent frown.

Mrs. Jackson hated children. The mere mention of those vile creatures brought instant discomfort to her. Their smell, their look. If only she could, she would be rid of them all in an instant.

Her dislike of all the world's brats was hidden, as she smiled and greeted them into her home.

"Happy Home Away from Home" was what she called it, her government founded shelter for troubled youth. How little they knew! How was anyone to know?! No child ever made it out alive to tell of the horrors that went on within those walls.

"Come in, come in" she said with an evil smile, as she greeted a new child into her home.

As the frightened child stood by the window, watching her parents drive away, little did she know it would be the last time she would see them. It was also the last time she would see the light of day.

Mrs. Jackson took the child by the hand and led her downstairs. Little did anyone know, this would be known as her final resting place.

The smell of death lurked within the walls of that basement. The ground was wet, as the little girl stepped in pools of old blood and human waste. "Something is not right" she thought, as she was shown towards an open cage.

Her heart started racing. Adrenaline could be felt pumping, as it flowed throughout her entire little body.

"Let me go!" she exclaimed. "Please let me go!" she cried, as she tried to free her hand from the clutches of death.

Mrs. Jackson's hold was too strong. It was do or die in her wicked mind, do or die!

As she forcefully placed the little girl into the cage, she snickered under her breath. The door was closed and locked. The key to this poor child's freedom, would never be found.

What fate awaited this little girl, whose only crime was the life she had accepted, yet never asked for!

Feelings of a childhood better left forgotten

It is dark, cold and damp in the cellar. As she sat there, in her corner, she often drifted back to better times. The breeze of a beautiful Spring day, how it use to dance in her long blond hair. How free she felt. What has she done? What has she done to deserve such a fate?

Laughter echoed in from outside, as she listened to her brother and sister play.

She remembered when she too could enjoy such simple pleasures. But it all seemed like a distant memory now.

She is cold. The feeling in her feet is gone. She tries to reach for them, but the chains are too short. She can barely reach her nose, to put to rest an itch, let alone her heart, to see if it was still beating. She is so alone. Death surrounds her, as the traps lay to kill anything that approached her.

She is trapped. To realize that the rats had more freedom than she could ever ask for, crushed her!

What have I done? she muttered under her fading breath. What have I done?

As she closes her eyes, she drifts to that safe place. No harm. No hurt can be found there. She is at peace. Her suffering will soon be over.

MOMMMMMMMMMMY! she cried out. But no one came.

As a lonely tear ran down her cheek, she took one final breath and she was gone.

Dead to a world who never even knew she existed!

Love starts from within

It's only normal, that when we feel down, we seek out another for that reassuring hug. In times when we are at our lowest, we should truly try to lean on friends and family for support and steer clear of any love interests.

When we do not feel 100%, our judgement is clouded and the things we dislike the most, we tend to tolerate, just so that we would no longer feel empty, or alone. I can't stress enough, how wrong this is. As the person you are with, will not change. They are who they are until the day they die.

Once you pick yourself off the floor and start feeling good about yourself, chances are, everything you have tolerated about the other, will now begin to bother you. Which in the end, will no doubt terminate the relationship and cause unnecessary bloodshed.

The "Rebound" we all have experienced, is a time when you need to look yourself in the mirror and work on finding a new identity for yourself. Go shopping, go to a salon, pamper yourself, find new goals and dive for them, but for crying out loud...DO NOT think that another relationship will cure your loneliness.

Working on one's self-esteem is probably the hardest thing we can do for ourselves, but what a very rewarding task it is. Once you realize that you are better than what you thought you were and you can finally look yourself in the mirror and say: "Wow...I look good", that is when loneliness will no longer bother you and your judgement will be back in full force.

When you are able to walk head high, that's when others will notice you and want to know you.

The way to know if you are ready to take on another relationship, is when you are no longer able to say a single negative thing about your past experience. We all have had a relationship go sour...what sets us apart and what determines our success in future relationships, is how well we can move on and learn from what we've experienced.

Imagine...

You are driving along a beautiful country road, the sun is shining, the air is fresh, everything is perfect. You are in the company of everyone you hold dearest to your heart. All of a sudden, your car gets hit by an oncoming train.

Everyone survives the crash, but then, the car burst into flames! You try desperately to free yourself. All of those you care for are trapped. Time is ticking and you know that if you do not act now, they will ALL die!

You manage to free all but one. You feel helpless, confused and angry! No matter how hard you try to free the last member, nothing you could possibly do is helping! The more you tugged, the more it hurt, as the flames slowly burned your skin! You cannot feel the tips of your fingers, as they are all gone!

You then turn to your surviving loved ones and asked for their help! But they too fell helpless, as the flames consumed the entire car! The only thing you could do is step back, accept things as they are and know it in your heart that the one you loved, and could not save, is safe in God’s hands.

Now imagine, having to live with this decision - to have stepped back, knowing deep down that you tried everything to free the last member! Everyone now shuns you, puts you down! People, who weren’t even there to see how hard you tried, are telling you: "You could have done more! Why didn’t you do more?" "I would have done this!" or "I would have tried that!"

Imagine...

Everyone assumes they could have done better! But the reality is, no one knows what they would do, until they themselves are faced with such a cruel life changing experience!

Introductions are in order

I have lost more than half the people I loved. I know what it means to look death in the eye and what it feels like to be hungry. I have touched many people's lives with my stories, my trials and never dying determination to make things right. I am a survivor, one person out of many I know, who would give up everything for one cause...PEACE.

I have started my life over, more times than one could imagine. Come face to face with homelessness and know how to appreciate a simple hot cup of coffee. I have lost many good people in my life and the irony behind their deaths, is that they were the only ones who truly knew who I am.

I am being tested, this I can tell you. The trials and events that I have survived would truly brake down the average man. Yet, I still manage to get on top and never look back down.

I suppose my strength comes from a long line of fighters. The richness behind my family history, may play key in why I am determined to not fail at anything that challenges me.

I am a strong woman, unlike anyone you'll ever encounter. My sharp mind and my desire to know everything about the world we live in is what drives me. My ability to laugh and to not allow things affect me, is what brings people closer to me. I find comedy in even the worst of tragedies.

Knowledge is power and will drives my determination. No one has a perfect life, but not everyone is able to set aside their imperfections and truly shine.

If I were to describe the best things in life, I would start by saying, without laughter and comedy, I would not want to be here.