Anyone who knows me knows that my childhood has plagued me with a constant need to be accepted, acknowledged and appreciated.
While growing up, it never failed, no matter how much good I could do for my family, nothing would ever change their views of me. I was pinned the "Devil's Child", the "Black Sheep" and just basically grew up knowing I would never have a place within my family, no matter how hard I tried!
I can honestly remember going places with my mother and running into some of her acquaintances, only to be left for dead on the sidelines, without any introductions. Everyone knew of my older sister and my younger brother...but who the heck was I?
"And who's this?" the woman would ask.
"Oh HER! She's my other daughter!" my mother would respond.
What came next, were words that simply proved it all...
"Oh really?! I didn't know you had another daughter!" the woman expressed with great surprise and confusion.
How do you think I felt, the young child that I was, to hear such a response?
Is there any wonder how I could have possibly have wanted for my life to end, back in those days?!
Why was I even there? Why was I even born?
Many years have gone by since that time in my life and I have since carved my own road in life, through high mountains and across the deepest oceans. I have surmounted a great deal of obstacles, both emotional and physical, to get where I am today. I can only pat myself on the back for having been so strong, as many would have ended their days, long before I could!
I will be the first to admit that my childhood plays a great role in my life today. No matter what I do, no matter what I take on, I am always seeking approval, acknowledgement and appreciation! This is something I never could get from my own family and I must admit...I am starving for it now!
Today, the tables have turned. My dear mother, now aged 76, finds a constant need to be close to me and to depend on me, as none of my other siblings care enough to help her out or to be there for her when she needs it most.
This is the situation I find myself in today:
My younger brother, now aged 30, has never left home! He still lives with my mother, in a modest upper duplex, just 5 minutes away from me.
My aging mother has been sheltering him, feeding him and basically supporting him all of these years.
My brother works full-time, yet he doesn't contribute to anything in that home!
My mother is alone to pay the rent, the utilities, the food and everything else, while only receiving a seniors' pension from the government and her retirement income.
Quite often, I have to put up with my mother's cries, how she has no food and not a dime to spare for anything!
At 76 years of age, my mother has burned all of her bridges, has found herself owing more money to people than she can possibly afford to repay and has been caught stealing from various local shops in our neighbourhood - finding herself banned for life from any store within walking distance from her home!
I am a stay-at-home mother of 3 and pregnant with my 4th child. My husband is our family's only bread winner!
It is hard enough making it by with only one income, to now add to this, having to help my mother out financially or buy her groceries on a weekly basis!
My brother has money! But what does with his money is buy fancy designer clothes, watches, jewellery and he even manages to take vacations down south all the time!
He recently returned home from yet another trip to Mexico - His 3rd trip in a matter of just 9 months this year!
The last time he left town, I had to care for my mother for 2 weeks! I had to buy her food and make sure she had enough money to cover her medications! My brother took off, once again, to roast his nuts on some beaches in Mexico and left my mother to die without a care in this world!
I have spoken to my mother several times about my sheer disgust with him, yet she defends him and says: "He does help out!"
"Yeah right!" said the little man IN MY EYE!!!
My mother simply doesn't want to be alone and I guess this is the price she is willing to pay! But what irks me the most is the fact that MY FAMILY has to suffer and fall victim to my brother's sheer indifference!
I am at my wits end. I can only count down the days until my brother leaves, yet again, for Mexico! This time he claims he will be gone for a period of 6 months!
Thanks to the many times I have come to my mother's aid, I have basically created my own nightmare! What I have noticed, sad but true, is that my mother has a certain way of placing a huge cloud of guilt over my head, whenever I tell her that I cannot help anymore!
In the past, this has worked like a charm and my mother always got what she needed (wanted) out of me, as she knew...no one else would!
Well, no more!
Am I being a bad daughter, by finally putting my foot down? Am I truly as evil as my entire family has painted me out to be throughout my childhood?
I WAS the enabler! Because of my continuous help and support, I enabled my brother to do all that he does, as he knew I would always be there for my mother, no matter what! He went about his ways, without a care in this world, knowing all along that I would pick up the pieces and mend my mother back together!
I can't anymore and I won't anymore!
It is my turn to take a vacation, away from this situation, as I have done more than enough harm to everyone with my goodness!
Sadly enough, no matter how much good I have done in the past, up until now, it will all be erased and forgotten, as I said: "No more!"
"The Devil's Child" has returned!
