I am a passenger, sitting helplessly inside a fast moving car, while it drives up a steep hill! My fingers are crossed and I can only pray, that any oncoming vehicle knows to remain in its own lane!
The fear of the unknown, to not be able to see what is up ahead, simply drives me insane! It's not for nothing that today, I find myself always wanting to know everything RIGHT NOW, as opposed to later!
When someone replies: "I don't know!" I can honestly suffer a conniption and could easily snap by replying:
"Well then find someone who does!!!"
My mother has often made comment, that she has absolutely no idea where I got this edge to my personality! She says that I can honestly kill a person with my words and my actions always seem louder than anything she's ever known or witnessed!
This coming from a woman who has allowed the entire world to crap on her head, for the last 76 years of her life!
This is not me! Never will it be!
I am not a nasty person. I simply have endured enough bullshit in my life to know, I do not need to put up with anymore! I stand up for what I know is right and I will most certainly fight against all that is wrong - especially if my family is involved!
A while back, I suffered terribly with anxiety attacks. The feeling of being trapped in a tiny box, with little to no air to breathe, as the walls slowly close in on you. My heart would race at such speeds, I could honestly hear it beating within the canals of my ears! To swallow, something most take for granted, became such a task for me, as my mouth would become dry and I truly felt as if I would ingest my own tongue at any given moment!
That was then, but I fear it might slowly be coming back!
I have a great load upon my shoulders. It never seems to fail, whenever I think things are finally settling, something or someone always has to come along and stir my pot once again!
I am edgy, I will admit. I continuously have an ear to the ground, to hear what may be coming up ahead! I find myself being ready for anything that may spring up. Not for nothing I do not know the meaning of the word "Relax"! My mind and body never cease to wind down, as I am ready for "GO!", even when I am sleeping!
This is probably why no one seems to worry about me, as they assume I have everything under control and have the capacity to deal with just about anything, face first! Little do they realize, the toll it is slowly taking on me.
I am tired! I am honestly tired of dealing with morons on a daily basis! I am exhausted of having to fight continuously, for what should be right in the first place! I am at my wits end and could truly use a break, a vacation of body and mind!
Sadly enough, at this stage of the game, it is far too late to call upon "Calgon" to take me away!
The only way peace of mind would finally be mine, is if I fell into a very deep coma!
